Sometimes when I look at people all I can see is a series of bad decisions. That looks so terrible, written there, but it's true so I'm not going to delete it. People just let fear and poor self-esteem eat up so much of their lives and I'm no different, although I like to imagine I have a better handle on it than most; I have at least learned, for the most part, to "feel the fear but do it anyway."

And so many people are willing to blame others for everything, or complain when they should be grateful for what they have. I'm no different- I do it, but I'm working at growing beyond that. I already send "thank you" notes whenever I receive a gift, whether I wanted it or not, whether I can use it or not, and I often take the time to focus on what is good in my life, even when things are bad; when I was so sick that I often couldn't get out of bed the only thing that kept me going was reminding myself of the things for which I should have felt grateful. Now that things are good I'm learning to live without constantly fearing that they will go bad and part of that process is keeping a gratitude journal; I'm not Christian, but I am grateful, so it's something that works for me.

Everyday we create ourselves, choose our path, control how we will think, behave, and speak, and are given the opportunity to do better, seek balance, give of ourselves, and live in awareness, but so often we instead choose to believe we are a product of our circumstances, that others' "make" us feel bad about ourselves, or that things will be so much better when we reach some specific goal, like losing weight or getting a raise. Really, our lives will always be imperfect no matter how many of those little goals we set for ourselves are achieved and there's nothing wrong with that, because our task should be to endure and enjoy the lives we make and, hopefully, to leave our shared world a better place for having had us.

I'm starting to agree with that imbecile, Cash, that "if you're going to do something you might as well do it with a glad heart."
enduringplum: (Default)
( Aug. 26th, 2003 08:54 pm)
Last night I went to Laser Tag with Carl, Triple_Phoenix, and her little sister, Switchknives. Once there we met of with the usual gang of suspects, TheUglyKnight, The Twins, Andre, and the rest of those nerds and freaks. I was surprised that Carl's little sister and her best friend weren't there; I always enjoy playing with them.
Unfortunately because of my illness I can't engage in any sports activities as energetically as I like to, Laser Tag is no exception. I was previously such a good Laser Tag player and such a pooular person at the arena that I was called "Laser Tag's Sweetheart," which I didn't mind at all. I'm not accustomed to so much inactivity and I find it really frustrating! No Yoga, no martial arts! In fact, sometimes I'm in so much pain that I can barely walk around. I guess I'm lucky that I love to read as much as I do.
Speaking of reading, my book group and I are reading my first selection, Egalia's Daughters, a feminist satire. So far, TheUglyKnight, the only male member of our intimate, little reader's circle, is having a hard time getting past the awareness that it is feminist writing, which is making it difficult for him to objectively understand and enjoy Egalia's Daughters, but I'm sure we'll talk all about that on our next meeting on the last Sunday of September.
A coworker of Carl's best friend, G-, is giving me a kitten that she found. Since I already have so many pets I wouldn't usually adopt a new one so readily, but G-'s manager already had the kitten spayed, dewormed, and given all of her shots, so I won't need to pay the expense myself. Besides, my cat, Musashi, needs a friend and I think the little ginger cat will be a good companion for him; Now I only need to come up with a name for her.
"Dear Diary..."
No, that's no way to start...
I'll just begin:

I'm twenty years old, living in my too-expensive apartment in New Orleans with a small menagerie of animals (if you've read my little bio you already know a little bit about me): three ferrets, a cat, and a dog. You might be surprised to know that these few animals are the last remaining members of a formerly much larger zoo; at one time, in addition to these precious pets, I had a mighty iguana, a box turtle, a flock of zebra finches, ten gerbils, six rats, and a parakeet, but many of these animals, in their turn, either passed on mercifully in their sleep of old age, or died of illness, or, worst of all, were put to sleep because they suffered of some disgusting, incurable illness. Happily, the majority of my much-beloved pets have thrived and, like my iguana, moved on to much bigger and better things! Gya my beautiful, male green iguana was almost six feet long when I gave him to the Aquarium of the Americas here in New Orleans and from there he went on to film movies and television, even starring alongside Pamela Andersen (well, maybe not "starring," but he was on her show... and I think she's a repulsive skank, but that's beside the point).
Even though my pets inevitably leave this world I can't imagine being happy without them. I struggle with depression constantly, but even the death of one of my pets brings me some amount of peace because I live on with the comfort of knowing that I gave that little life an existence free of pain, hunger, parasites, and struggle. It would really please me to be able to do this for a number of animals, which is why one of my long time goals is to open a small, home-based ferret shelter and later possibly also offer the same services to exotic reptiles like iguanas, chameleons, and various geckos.
Right now I just do what I can for as many animals as I can, which is why I adopted my dog from the S.P.C.A., took my cat in from the streets, and adopted two of my ferrets from people who were unable to provide the care they need.
Working at a book store isn't the best paying job and my art certainly doesn't bring in any money right now, but hopefully I can soon become incorporated as a nonprofit group and then start my shelter... I just wonder if I would be too busy to keep drawing and painting, I can't live without dreaming and I dream in color on paper. I'd love to have my comics published!


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