Enduring Plum (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
enduringplum) wrote2003-09-23 12:59 pm
enduringplum) wrote2003-09-23 12:59 pm
Entry tags:
No Play Pale
It seems like I'm getting whiter, I've always been pale but lately when I look in the mirror my face seems to have no colour besides the almost purple circles under my eyes-- just black eyes in a white face, I can almost forget to see my lips.
I think not going to work is definitely bad for me, when I have a lot of free time I always grow very weary, very depressed. Being sick and not knowing why doesn't help my mood any, but I know it's not really that. It's mainly that I haven't been drawing or learning and without a job; I can't afford to get Orbit the treatment he needs, although he is doing much better since he's been here and on antibiotics. My little, white ferret, Veil, seems like she's having some adrenal glad problems: she's very thin (even smaller than she usually is), lethargic, and she's loosing the hair along her spine.
I don't think I'm going to lose it, but I am making myself nervous. Lately when I shower I've fantasized about cutting my legs with my razor, but then I think about how I really would need something more suitable with which to cut myself and that's when I snap out of it , then I usually almost start crying, but instead of crying I just get out of the shower and go lay in bed, naked and still wet, feeling numb. I did this again just last week and I thought about telling Carl to come check on me if I've been in the shower for too long, but I take such long showers that I don't know if he'd be able to distinguish what "too long" is. I should let him know anyway, I guess, but I just don't want him to worry about me, especially because I know I'm not ever going to be a real danger to myself again-- I went through all of that when I was in junior high-- I'm done with that now.
I feel better as long as I'm distracted, by games or going places with my friends, but as long as I have quiet time alone to think I start to feel miserable.
I think not going to work is definitely bad for me, when I have a lot of free time I always grow very weary, very depressed. Being sick and not knowing why doesn't help my mood any, but I know it's not really that. It's mainly that I haven't been drawing or learning and without a job; I can't afford to get Orbit the treatment he needs, although he is doing much better since he's been here and on antibiotics. My little, white ferret, Veil, seems like she's having some adrenal glad problems: she's very thin (even smaller than she usually is), lethargic, and she's loosing the hair along her spine.
I don't think I'm going to lose it, but I am making myself nervous. Lately when I shower I've fantasized about cutting my legs with my razor, but then I think about how I really would need something more suitable with which to cut myself and that's when I snap out of it , then I usually almost start crying, but instead of crying I just get out of the shower and go lay in bed, naked and still wet, feeling numb. I did this again just last week and I thought about telling Carl to come check on me if I've been in the shower for too long, but I take such long showers that I don't know if he'd be able to distinguish what "too long" is. I should let him know anyway, I guess, but I just don't want him to worry about me, especially because I know I'm not ever going to be a real danger to myself again-- I went through all of that when I was in junior high-- I'm done with that now.
I feel better as long as I'm distracted, by games or going places with my friends, but as long as I have quiet time alone to think I start to feel miserable.