I was talking to Dave and Triple_Phoenix last night about co-dependency and isolation, because all of us have experience with both and Dave is still involved in a deeply co-dependent relationship with his girldriend, although I have to admit he's improved his circumstances a lot, considering how bad they were just two years ago, but there's still huge room for improvement. Two years ago he couldn't do anything with me without being manipulated in to a huge, screaming, emotionally draining argument by S, his girlfriend, but he's worked with her enough that he can actually do things with us again; still, I suggest that he go to therapy without her, since she refuses to go to therapy, so that he can better deal with their lingering issues, although I doubt that he will, because he just doesn't seem ready for that. If nothing else I'm thankful that the emotional abuse in their relationship has mellowed to the point that S is no longer isolating Dave from half of his friends. I'd love to be able to get to know their daughter better, too, but I don't think that will be able to happen unless S does finally go to therapy or they separate.

Isolation can also be healthy, like when we limit ourselves to a certain genre of art or music for a while or use it to escape from the everyday and connect with ourselves again. After all, Aborigine and Japanese culture wouldn't have developed their most unique customs and beliefs if not for their isolation, voluntary and involuntary, respectively. However, isolation should always come to an end, I believe, because we can only come so far without exploring new concepts and influences.

My mom was raised in a very co-dependent way, which she has overcome a great deal, although obviously not completely, and she raised me to be as far from co-dependent as she was able, but I still have co-dependent tendencies with which I struggle. Carl does, too, especially when it comes to not being able to express or understand what he's feeling, which gives me a lot of control that I don't really want, because I'm naturally controlling. I think it helps to be aware of it, but it's really frustrating to have something I'm trying to overcome that my friends and family just go along with for their own co-dependent reasons.

enduringplum: (Default)
( Sep. 23rd, 2003 12:59 pm)
It seems like I'm getting whiter, I've always been pale but lately when I look in the mirror my face seems to have no colour besides the almost purple circles under my eyes-- just black eyes in a white face, I can almost forget to see my lips.
I think not going to work is definitely bad for me, when I have a lot of free time I always grow very weary, very depressed. Being sick and not knowing why doesn't help my mood any, but I know it's not really that. It's mainly that I haven't been drawing or learning and without a job; I can't afford to get Orbit the treatment he needs, although he is doing much better since he's been here and on antibiotics. My little, white ferret, Veil, seems like she's having some adrenal glad problems: she's very thin (even smaller than she usually is), lethargic, and she's loosing the hair along her spine.
I don't think I'm going to lose it, but I am making myself nervous. Lately when I shower I've fantasized about cutting my legs with my razor, but then I think about how I really would need something more suitable with which to cut myself and that's when I snap out of it , then I usually almost start crying, but instead of crying I just get out of the shower and go lay in bed, naked and still wet, feeling numb. I did this again just last week and I thought about telling Carl to come check on me if I've been in the shower for too long, but I take such long showers that I don't know if he'd be able to distinguish what "too long" is. I should let him know anyway, I guess, but I just don't want him to worry about me, especially because I know I'm not ever going to be a real danger to myself again-- I went through all of that when I was in junior high-- I'm done with that now.
I feel better as long as I'm distracted, by games or going places with my friends, but as long as I have quiet time alone to think I start to feel miserable.


enduringplum: (Default)
Enduring Plum


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