Enduring Plum

I had an interesting, introspective weekend - interesting to me, at least. Since my lunch with Dave on Friday I've been doing a lot of thinking about fear, goals, and living as one's authentic self; I do think on these subjects often, but something he said brought them to mind again, more potently.

My parents and I went to the spring garden sale at the Botanical Gardens where my mother purchased too many plants for my small yard, but which I will relish as I watch them grow, thrive, and bloom; by the time I'm done with it my backyard should be a veritable tropical paradise, shaded by the palms Cathy gave us as well as the collection of tibouchina, tree fern, hibiscus, and other tropical beauties my mom purchased. Since I'm still not supposed to do any heavy lifting I just planted a few of the smaller items in the front, like the Swiss chard, lemon balm, and Greek oregano I selected. I'm trying to grow a good selection of greens throughout the summer so I can cut down on the salad I need to buy, all of which comes in either plastic bags or boxes. Right now I have rows of tiny sprouts of red mustard, shungiku chrysanthemum, and beetberry. I was going to plant cabbages, but those really do better in cooler weather, so I'll wait until autumn.

We went to CPWC's breakfast this morning, but it wasn't really worth writing about; it was what I expected, nothing more or less, devoid of any real highs or lows. The Lamplight Circle meet-up I went to this afternoon, however, was great and I had a wonderful time and feel like I really learned a lot. Ty gave a presentation on Scott Cunningham, who is still absolutely the most accessible Wiccan author, and we discussed our own views of his teachings and our experience(s) with them. It's always good to get together with like-minded people and this meet-up was especially reaffirming and satisfying for me, because Scott Cunningham's books are what really made it clear that Wicca was (and is) the right path for me.

I have a follow-up appointment early tomorrow. I'm a bit apprehensive because I've been having some abdominal pain for the last two days, although it hasn't been nearly as intense as the pain the gallstones caused.

I need to do some research in to how Lamplight Circle can establish a community garden in my neighborhood. I know the space is available, but gaining access to it legally isn't something I know how to do. I also need to write some letters, specifically to Delgado and Touro's emergency department, otherwise I won't be able to move forward.

I desperately want to paint, sculpt, and quilt again and somehow combine all three mediums. It's just a matter of making the time and finding the money, but I believe it can be done, so I've got to do it, because at my core I'm an artist who wants to make art, not advertisements or landscaping or even useful fiber objects- that's all there is to it, I just need art.

If nothing else, this drawing class has got me drawing again and rebuilding my confidence at tackling my subjects on the scale and with the amount of detail I enjoy. Behind the cut are two self portraits, one done in about forty minutes on December fifth and another done in around two hours on December ninth.

( Self Portraits )

Much of the difference between the two drawings has to do with confidence level: the first one is the first portrait I've done since some time in 2002, but it also has to do with pain level; on the fifth I was having a lot of fatigue, pain, and muscle burning, but I felt pretty good yesterday, so I was able to sit for much longer and observe myself better. When I look at the second self portrait, I can still see the errors, but I also recognize them as errors I could have avoided if I had taken a moment to step back from my work and observe it from a distance, so they don't bother me too much. The first self portrait is so inferior to most of the work I do that it's not even really worth noting the problems in it, but it did serve to make me want to do a better job on the next portrait, if nothing else - I think of it as a warm up.

One of my long term goals is to relocate abroad or to a meaningfully different region of the U.S. Either would fulfill me on an important emotional and spiritual level. Of course, there are many practical issues that emigrating to another country or relocating to another city will bring, but my attachment to New Orleans is what will cause me the most distress; I know I am not at all ready to leave her now, especially not right after we've been through so much, but I do believe that it will one day be absolutely necessary to move elsewhere and I hope that I will be emotionally prepared for it when that time comes, or that I will have flown the nest before. New Orleans just possesses so much inherent, gentle, often crumbling beauty that when I think of leaving I hesitate for so long thinking of everything I would be leaving behind and suddenly realize another year has faded. I would miss my friends and family and my people, but most of all I would miss the mystique and faded glamour of New Orleans herself.

In any case, I trust that I will be prepared to leave this city behind at some point in the next ten years- At the very least, I will be as ready as I'll ever be and that may have to be enough - we'll see!- and at that point I will move away, because my restlessness demands it. I often consider moving to several other American cities, specifically Eureka Springs, Seattle, New York, and Boston; I think Eureka Springs would suit me best, because of its New Age atmosphere and friendliness towards the GLBT community there, but because I want to get in to illustration work Seattle or New York may become the obvious choices.

I could be happy in several European countries, including Denmark, but I would be concerned about their policies regarding bringing American animals over, because I could not leave Conrad behind for anything. Another problem is that Carl is not only disinclined to leave New Orleans, but totally unimpressed and nonplussed about my idea to emigrate abroad! I think the long, dark winters of Denmark would be too much for him and Danish is not an easy language to learn, so it's pretty much out of the question, although I feel a deep attachment to the country. I would love to move to France, but I think Carl's hung up on a lot of American notions about France and the French in general, but he's intelligent and open-minded, so I know that he can get over that pitfall. France also has relatively lenient policies when it comes to accepting immigrants, so it would be a somewhat easier move than one to other European countries.

Of course, my black-and-white nature makes deciding these things difficult, so only time will tell. I would also be very happy building a cottage in the woods somewhere, because I so enjoy the grounding effect being surrounded by nature has on me. Of course, the most memorable experience I've had in that regard was in a pine forest in Denmark, where the woods were so profoundly silent and upright, with black ants passing inexorably over the thick, springy moss covering the forest floor, that the stillness was nearly overwhelming and I felt compelled to speak in a whisper, although I would have preferred not to speak at all. It's amazing to me, also, the subtle variations in emotional sensations that different wild places evoke, like the dark, self-possessed bayou backwaters my dad and I explored on his little, old flatboat when compared with the sacred, looming, blue mountain of Glacier National Park when reflected in a lake of water that was so crystalline that its bed of stones was obscured only by the perfect mirror image of that mountain at sundown. I could write more about seeing my first sunset on the Grand Canyon, or the vibrant colors of desert mud in the Badlands, or about watching vari-colored lightning bugs in a black-as-pitch Arkansas night in the mountains, but I've already lost sight of my original point, so I'll just stop here.

My laptop arrived this morning! I am thrilled to have it and to be online with it!

I'm going to begin downloading WoW to it just as soon as I download Adium, a wonderful chat program to which Mischa introduced me when I was first experimenting with my mom's MacBook Pro. The WoW download will probably take between four and six hours, which I will spend knitting and folding laundry, then I'm uploading some of my CDs to the new lappy so I can transfer them to my iPod! I feel so hip and l33t. Carl even bought me fancy, new sunglasses to replace my long lost Ray Bans.

Now I just need to get around to doing my taxes from the last two years. Ew.