Enduring Plum

I think I may be getting depressed again. I felt terrific throughout my fertility treatments and during pregnancy, which was no doubt due to all the hormones, but now that I'm no longer exclusively breastfeeding I have been having bouts of tearfulness during the day and, during those rare moments when I'm not engaged with Miranda, I feel very listless and lost. I don't want to take prescription anti-depressants, because those always make me feel like I'm made out of cardboard after a while and then I stop taking them, which totally defeats the purpose, but I also don't want to slip in to a serious depression. If I see myself heading down that road I will definitely seek medical intervention, but for now I'm going to try the "activity therapy" route and look in to herbal/holistic supplements/treatments.

Edit: I'm going to stop taking the vitex supplement I began taking a week ago. It may be the culprit.

I'm feeling much more ready to purge my closet than I was the last time I made the attempt. Last time I hung on to way too much, because I just wouldn't have had more than four everyday outfits if I'd given it all away, but I have to accept that I must buy new clothes that fit me!

I'm going to get rid of everything that doesn't fit within one size, up or down, of my current post-pregnancy body; maternity clothes will go in to the attic for three or four years and if I don't get pregnant (or have not yet begun further fertility treatments) within that time, then they can go to the Goodwill (or a needy pregnant woman), too.

I'm happy to report I can actually jam my wedding ring on to my finger, although I can't yet wear both rings again. Progress!

( Post-Op Update )

My surgical consultation today was pleasant, despite the cumulative four and a half hour wait surrounding it. The resident who interviewed and examined me today will be present at the operation, which is reassuring, as is the coincidence that he reminds me of Holden Caulfield because of the multitude of silver hairs all over his head.

I have to return on Friday afternoon for a consultation with someone from anaesthesia and my actual surgery will be Tuesday next week, the 24th.

Before now I was feeling extremely fearful about having surgery again, but after meeting with the surgeons today I feel much more relaxed about it, especially since the resident with whom I've developed a bit of a rapport will actually be in the operating room that day and so will hopefully see me as the person he spoke with, rather than just a patient devoid of personality and background. I'm actually looking forward to it now, because it should relieve my pain immediately (barring certain complications) and gradually resolve my other symptoms.

I'm going to make an appointment for a mani and pedi sometime before my surgery.

I had a bad pain day today, which reminded me that I need to pace myself- I can't wake up at six in the morning and go to bed after two the next morning! I don't know what I was thinking.

Carl came home early to look after Miranda while I got some rest and I do feel a lot better now, although I'm still feeling weak, sore, and somewhat disoriented.

I had bad back pain all day yesterday, but I assumed it was just from carrying a fussy Miranda around everywhere; it turns out it was my gallbladder again, which I figured out after I woke up in excruciating pain around two in the morning. I took two Tylenol with codeine, but that didn't give me any relief, so we went to the emergency room (after my mom came over to watch Miranda, who slept through the night for the second time!) where we weren't seen until around seven in the morning, after arriving there at three-forty. They tested my urine, my liver function, my pancreatic enzymes, and what not, but all that was fine, so I'm perfect on paper, but my gallbladder has to come out - I didn't have much labor pain, but what little I did have was intense and I would prefer to go through a lifetime of that pain rather than another five minutes of the pain I had last night: it just sucked beyond all belief, I can't even explain it. At least Jodi would understand.

When we got home around ten, I made an appointment with Catherine at the Musician's clinic to follow-up after my ER visit, which is on Tuesday morning, then I went to sleep since I'd only had an hour of sleep since eight o'clock Thursday morning; after I eat this sandwich I'm going to go to sleep for a few more hours, then go to the store to purchase some soups, since I'm supposed to stick to clear liquids and bland-as-possible foods like Cream of Wheat (joy!) and crackers.

I'm totally amazed to realize that the back ache I've been experiencing for the last few weeks must be related to my gallbladder, because since the pain finally passed around six in the morning I've been completely pain free. I think I didn't recognize the back ache and stomach aches I've been getting as related to my gallbladder because it has shifted from the position it was in while I was pregnant, when it was smashed up against my rib cage, and because the aches have felt somewhat different- more deeply aching rather than stabbing- than before.

It must have been those damn, delicious parsnips.

It only took seven years, but I finally feel sure about what I want to do in the way of a career, but it means I need a lot more school, which will be harder (but will probably feel more worthwhile) now that Miss Miranda is a part of our family.

I'm okay with taking my time and my health has been so wonderful since I became pregnant that I feel like I can actually handle motherhood and a light class load. It's really shocking to me how well I've been since conceiving and I've been feeling even better since Miranda was born; a lot of my very annoying PCOS symptoms, especially hirsutism, have become noticeably less pronounced and while I still have joint pain, I don't have the intense muscle pain and overwhelming fatigue I so often had before she was born. I do still have sensitivity to sunlight/heat that will cause me to break out in a bright red rash across my nose and cheeks, but I can certainly live with that, especially since with good health and high energy any depression I might feel finds it difficult to stick around - it's such an amazing change - I haven't felt quite like my self in so long and even my sex drive is returning. I feel like I've experienced a life-changing miracle in more ways than one because of the profound change in the way I feel and I'm afraid of doing something to lose the good health I've suddenly been granted.

I haven't had any bladder pain since early in Miranda's second trimester, which has been wonderful. I'm still careful about what I eat and drink, but not having to feel afraid of taking a piss, for fuck's sake, is more wonderful than I can really explain.

Now if I can just keep my Medicaid insurance I'll be in great shape, because I'll be able to keep up with my medications.

( School )

( Miranda Update )

Otherwise Miranda is doing very well. She's grown another inch, she now weighs eight pounds and one-and-a-half ounces, she tracks objects well, and she pushes up with her arms often now and continues to lift her head well. Not to mention all the coos, smiles, and funny grunts she treats us to.

I'm extremely sleep-deprived, but I'm certainly not complaining; the last two weeks have been wonderful and I'm looking forward to the days and weeks and all the milestones to come with Miranda. So I don't drive those of you who read this totally batty, I will be putting all my Miranda-related posts (of which I'm sure there will be very many!) behind a cut; there's nothing quite so boring as a parent who goes on and on about their children, so I'll let y'all choose when you'd like to be subjected to that sort of thing.

( The Doctor, Thrush, and Diapers )

I brought my MacBook in to be repaired, but it probably won't be looked at for a few days. I told them to call me to give me a time estimate before they begin working on it, because their hourly rate is ninety-nine dollars, so I obviously can't afford ten hours of work; frankly, even three hours of work will be difficult enough for us to manage right now, especially when we also have to cover the cost of any replacement parts. From now on I'll always buy the extended warranty on any Mac or other laptop I buy - argh! PC desktops are easy enough to fix with the help of my friends or dad. Hopefully the problem with my Mac is just the back light, but according to Misch it could be the LCD, the motherboard, or both. :/

My gallbladder has been much, much better for the past week (although I'm having a bad flare up at the moment), so much so that I've been able to function almost totally normally! It's been nice, because I've been able to get things done around the house (although no heavy lifting) and out and about. I saw the surgeon again a few days ago and he said that as long as there's not another period of extended, severe pain or any fever, I should just get in touch with him six weeks after I deliver; however, if my pain subsides totally after I deliver, then I probably won't contact him unless I have another pain flare later, because I would prefer to completely avoid surgery and there's a slim chance that I won't experience any more trouble from it unless I get pregnant again.

Our washer and dryer are supposed to be delivered and installed tomorrow, which I'm very excited about: it will be so much more convenient to be able to do laundry at home, rather than having to haul it to either my parents' house or the nearby laundromat, then wait there until it's done; however, all that waiting on the laundry did allow me to get a lot of knitting done, so it wasn't all bad.

I finally got in contact with a local WIC office. After calling all the different numbers I found online and in the phone book for the last several months, I finally found an accurate number with staff who answer the phone today, although I had to call a homeless shelter to get that information; the New Orleans government really doesn't make it easy to find the assistance that is supposed to be so readily available to their low income citizens. Today I drove all over town trying to find two WIC office locations that supposedly opened after the hurricane, but which simply don't exist anymore: one address is an empty lot on Tulane Avenue and the other is an empty, boarded-up building. Someone from the office I managed to reach by phone should call me back with an appointment time no later than Monday, but I won't be holding my breath. At least my determination finally put me in touch with someone at a WIC office, which is a step in the right direction!

( Birth Plans, Et Cetera )

She couldn't give me an official diagnosis, of course, but the ultrasound technician did see a number of gallstones in my gallbladder. Fortunately, I don't have an infection, but there's always the chance that one can develop the longer I have stones in there. I haven't spoken to my doctor yet, so I have no idea what sort of treatment he'll recommend; I want to do what is best in the long run and safest for my pregnancy, which may mean an open-style surgical removal of my gallbladder, but I'll just have to see what my doctor recommends. Honestly, it's just good to know that what's been causing my pain and dizziness isn't a bigger problem.